when did we get a magnetic shield?
so, i'm sure by now everyone has heard of the solar flare thingie. well, here's a cool visual of it. hopefully i'll catch a glimpse of some aurora borealis tonight. this morning i heard the weather guy say that the charged particles hurled at the earth would be deflected by our "magnetic shield." suddenly i pictured superman flying around the earth, putting together oieces of a giant sphere of metal to protect us from the evil sun. andrew & i both turned to each other & said, "when did we get one of those?" i think he meant magnetic field.
Quarta-feira, Outubro 29, 2003
obliging obligations
so, i promised to give a synopsis of the vacation, if nothing but for my own personal record. i also promised to do something about the sorry state of this blog & move the whole operation over to the domain i purchased, redhotmamma.com. my promises don't mean shit.
but i really have been wanting to turn those promises into reality. anyway, who am i promising? just myself, obviously, because i doubt anyone else gives a rat's ass whether i do these things or not. i just want to get some things accomplished & when i don't, i want to flog myself in guilt.
screw this, i'm going to go heat up my sad can of soup for lunch & eat it at my little desk...
ok, ok. like some vacations, i came back from this one feeling like i need a vacation to get over my vacation. i certainly didn't need to come back & start working long days, sometimes at more than one job. needless to say, my bags are still sitting in the living room, where i dumped them upon returning home, and nothing has been unpacked unless i really needed it between now & then. and by nothing, i mean not even underwear. yes, i'm going without. call me lazy. i am.
but back to the vacation - we spent the first week driving around in a rented red, two-door oldsmobile alero. with a spoiler & cd player & alarm & everything. it was completely ridiculous, but sure beat some crappy dodge neon, which is what i expected. after dinner with amanda & chris & their friends kyle & ukiko, andrew & i drove up to oregon. overnight. 8.5 hour drive after travelling all day & drinking wine with dinner.
the next morning, after a 3 hour nap at a freezing cold rest stop in the mt. shasta area, we pulled into eugene, oregon, where we were greeted by...rain. the entire weekend was cold & rainy, even during our 5 mile hike around clear lake in the willamette national forest, but it didn't mar the beauty of our surroundings.
we stayed with a couple of andrew's friends & they were very nice, but i felt a little awkward around them because they'd known each other for so long & i wondered if they viewed me as just another one of his girlfriends. maybe that says more about my own insecurities than anything else because i can't really come up with any specific reasons why they could have possibly made me feel this way. but rather than get into any deep psychoanalysis, i'm just going to chalk it up to pms & exhaustion.
the long hike was nice, despite the fact that i hadn't trimmed my toenails & my poor feet - so accustomed to sandals & flipflops - had to deal with being smushed into hiking boots. by the end of the hike, i decided to give the boots "to charity" once we got back to california. what i ended up doing was leaving the boots on the sidewalk outside the car door on amanda's street. that's charity, right?
anyway, the hike around clear lake wasn't particularly difficult except when we passed the fields of lava rocks where we had to make sure we didn't step on any rocks that had fallen into the path & twist our ankles. i'd never seen the aftermath of a volcano eruption, which must have happened loooong ago & it was pretty cool to see a large expanse of grey lava rocks in waves coming down the hillside with bright red & yellow brush maple leaves popping up here & there as a contrast. at least, i thought it looked really cool until later on in the hike.
we'd pretty much gone around the length of the lake & i was moving kinda slow because of my aching toes. andrew was nice enough to slow down & lumber along with me while his friends trucked on ahead. after awhile andrew mentioned that maybe we'd missed the turn-off to get back to the parking lot. i guess we both just assumed we'd have to turn off somewhere to get to the car. instead of backtracking, we thought it'd be easier to cut through the woods to the road & walk downhill to the parking lot, so that's what we did.
no parking lot appeared. we came to a fork in the road & decided to turn back & find the trail again.
instead of finding the spot where we'd left the trail for the woods, we walked further uphill & then made our way back down to the trail. except this time a field of lava rocks stood between us & the trail.
imagine, if you will, scaling a small mountain slope make up entirely of pumice stones. you're going downhill & the stones are constantly turning under your feet, so in addition to walking over ridged terrain, you can never really get a good foothold. and when you slip & catch yourself on the ground, the pumice stones tear into the palm of your hand. it's fun. really. try it sometime.
so, that's what we did until we found the trail again. we followed it for, gee, maybe another 1000 feet & found ourselves at the end of the trail. and guess where that trail ended? at the parking lot, where kurt & stacey were waiting for us. their response upon seeing us was, "so, did you stop for a quickie that turned into a longie?" i only wish!
the drive back down to san fran took us 3 days. we cruised down the pacific coast of oregon, stopping to pick fresh apples & blackberries on the side of the road. later that afternoon we arrived in crescent city, california, just south of the oregon/california border and on the edge of the redwoods national forest. we stopped in the ranger station for a map & some recommendations on campgrounds, then had dinner at a little seafood place on the harbor. after dinner we walked down on the docks & checked out a group of big, fat sea lions, sunning themselves on the deck. andrew got a little too close (i think he though maybe he might get to pet one), but soon learned that you don't mess with large sea mammals. nothing bad happened; they just let him know in no uncertain terms that he was overstepping his bounds with some very excited barks.
late that night we pulled into a campground on gold beach in the prairie creek redwoods state park in northern california & set up our tent. since we arrived too late to pay at the ranger station & purchase firewood, we had to illegally gather some on the beach. (in our defense, i don't think it's as bad to gather driftwood as fallen wood in the forest, right?) when we checked our bags at the austin airport, andrew had one of those large firelogs strapped to the outside - like a "duraflame," but the generic kind. after about 3 different employees had to come over & the summoning of a supervisor, they decided that it couldn't go on the plane. fortunately we were able to make up for that loss by buying another one in a rite aid in crescent city.
the duraflame came in handy because when andrew left to gather firewood in the dark, he returned with a 9 foot long, 2 foot thick LOG. if we didn't have the fake firewood to smear on that log, i don't think we would have ever gotten it burning. but big man made fire for woman. grunt! grunt! well, that and we found some smaller, drier wood that created enough fire to finally break through the bulk of the big log so we could break off the bottom third & burn that successfully.
Tuesday morning we woke up to find a large elk grazing right outside our tent. The elk didn't seem to care that we were there & even looked up long enough to pose for a picture. We broke camp long before the rangers came by (ok, i'm admitting it - we didn't pay for camping. Bad! Bad!) and hiked around in fern canyon all morning. That felt like we'd landed in a fairy tale. We were wandering through a deep canyon with large ferns cascading down the walls, diffused light shining through the tall trees and a creek trickling at our feet. I expected elves to come popping out of the big, moss-covered fallen trees that we encountered here and there. Later that morning we walked in awe through ancient growth redwood forests. We saw lots of big, old trees on this trip, including the "big tree," a 1500 year old redwood that's 21 feet in diameter.
after that we drove up to redwood creek park & strolled leisurely through the old growth forest at the ladybird johnson grove. andrew met a elderly man there who recommended a good restaurant nearby. then we drove up to the redwood creek overlook, where we witnessed what happens when the government commits to restoring the redwood forest after devastating clear-cut logging efforts. you could really see the difference between the 9000 acres of ancient growth forest and restored secondary growth forest, but it was still nothing compared to the depressingly, ugly, barren slopes we'd witnessed all along the highway in oregon & much improved from the "before" photos on the display at the overlook.
at that point, we were starved and headed in the direction of the suggested restaurant. we found ourselves in a charming little town called trinidad & ate in a great restaurant owned by the cher-ae indian community. we saw the retired couple we'd met at the ladybird grove & took their recommendation on the blackberry pie. yum!
the rest of the day was spent on scenic drives through the humboldt redwoods state park. i broke out in peals of excitement when i saw a sign for a "drive-thru" tree. i was disappointed at what i found - it was funny in a sad way to be driving through a large, dead, hollow tree that someone had cut an arch through & decided to exploit for $1.50 per passenger. then we drove onto "drive on log," which was just the trunk of a large tree that they'd laid on its side & then flattened the top & put 2x4's on to make a little ramp. woopee.
after the drive through tree adventure, we started to head south in earnest. andrew really wanted to drive down highway 1, but i wanted to get to san francisco sooner. i had protested the turnoff to the oregon coast, opting for the faster drive down i-5 & he had been right in turning off anyway (the scenery was awesome & it really didn't take too much longer). so, i gave in & make the turn off from hwy 101 to 1 right about sunset. this time we should have done what i wanted.
if you haven't driven this road, do yourself a favor & don't let your first encounter be in the dark! the best way i can describe it is to think of pee wee's big adventure, where he's on a road at night & he passes the first road sign with the arrow indicating "curves ahead," the road curves and all you see are the yellow lines down the middle and then more signs where the arrow gets curvier and curvier until the final sign in a knotted mess of loops and figure eights and pee wee eventually flies off a cliff. that was my hwy 1 experience, minus the cliff flying. i don't normally get carsick, but i was that night. and andrew stopped drinking after only one beer, feeling queasy himself.
instead of camping & getting even crustier, we shelled out the bucks for some seaside digs, took hot showers & watched a little tv. wed morning we were ready for the 200 mile drive down to san francisco!
five hours later, we finally found a way to get off hwy 1 and we were soon back in the city.
stay tuned for part 2 - the san fran leg of the trip. my hands are cramping & this entry is long enough anyway!
so, i promised to give a synopsis of the vacation, if nothing but for my own personal record. i also promised to do something about the sorry state of this blog & move the whole operation over to the domain i purchased, redhotmamma.com. my promises don't mean shit.
but i really have been wanting to turn those promises into reality. anyway, who am i promising? just myself, obviously, because i doubt anyone else gives a rat's ass whether i do these things or not. i just want to get some things accomplished & when i don't, i want to flog myself in guilt.
screw this, i'm going to go heat up my sad can of soup for lunch & eat it at my little desk...
ok, ok. like some vacations, i came back from this one feeling like i need a vacation to get over my vacation. i certainly didn't need to come back & start working long days, sometimes at more than one job. needless to say, my bags are still sitting in the living room, where i dumped them upon returning home, and nothing has been unpacked unless i really needed it between now & then. and by nothing, i mean not even underwear. yes, i'm going without. call me lazy. i am.
but back to the vacation - we spent the first week driving around in a rented red, two-door oldsmobile alero. with a spoiler & cd player & alarm & everything. it was completely ridiculous, but sure beat some crappy dodge neon, which is what i expected. after dinner with amanda & chris & their friends kyle & ukiko, andrew & i drove up to oregon. overnight. 8.5 hour drive after travelling all day & drinking wine with dinner.
the next morning, after a 3 hour nap at a freezing cold rest stop in the mt. shasta area, we pulled into eugene, oregon, where we were greeted by...rain. the entire weekend was cold & rainy, even during our 5 mile hike around clear lake in the willamette national forest, but it didn't mar the beauty of our surroundings.
we stayed with a couple of andrew's friends & they were very nice, but i felt a little awkward around them because they'd known each other for so long & i wondered if they viewed me as just another one of his girlfriends. maybe that says more about my own insecurities than anything else because i can't really come up with any specific reasons why they could have possibly made me feel this way. but rather than get into any deep psychoanalysis, i'm just going to chalk it up to pms & exhaustion.
the long hike was nice, despite the fact that i hadn't trimmed my toenails & my poor feet - so accustomed to sandals & flipflops - had to deal with being smushed into hiking boots. by the end of the hike, i decided to give the boots "to charity" once we got back to california. what i ended up doing was leaving the boots on the sidewalk outside the car door on amanda's street. that's charity, right?
anyway, the hike around clear lake wasn't particularly difficult except when we passed the fields of lava rocks where we had to make sure we didn't step on any rocks that had fallen into the path & twist our ankles. i'd never seen the aftermath of a volcano eruption, which must have happened loooong ago & it was pretty cool to see a large expanse of grey lava rocks in waves coming down the hillside with bright red & yellow brush maple leaves popping up here & there as a contrast. at least, i thought it looked really cool until later on in the hike.
we'd pretty much gone around the length of the lake & i was moving kinda slow because of my aching toes. andrew was nice enough to slow down & lumber along with me while his friends trucked on ahead. after awhile andrew mentioned that maybe we'd missed the turn-off to get back to the parking lot. i guess we both just assumed we'd have to turn off somewhere to get to the car. instead of backtracking, we thought it'd be easier to cut through the woods to the road & walk downhill to the parking lot, so that's what we did.
no parking lot appeared. we came to a fork in the road & decided to turn back & find the trail again.
instead of finding the spot where we'd left the trail for the woods, we walked further uphill & then made our way back down to the trail. except this time a field of lava rocks stood between us & the trail.
imagine, if you will, scaling a small mountain slope make up entirely of pumice stones. you're going downhill & the stones are constantly turning under your feet, so in addition to walking over ridged terrain, you can never really get a good foothold. and when you slip & catch yourself on the ground, the pumice stones tear into the palm of your hand. it's fun. really. try it sometime.
so, that's what we did until we found the trail again. we followed it for, gee, maybe another 1000 feet & found ourselves at the end of the trail. and guess where that trail ended? at the parking lot, where kurt & stacey were waiting for us. their response upon seeing us was, "so, did you stop for a quickie that turned into a longie?" i only wish!
the drive back down to san fran took us 3 days. we cruised down the pacific coast of oregon, stopping to pick fresh apples & blackberries on the side of the road. later that afternoon we arrived in crescent city, california, just south of the oregon/california border and on the edge of the redwoods national forest. we stopped in the ranger station for a map & some recommendations on campgrounds, then had dinner at a little seafood place on the harbor. after dinner we walked down on the docks & checked out a group of big, fat sea lions, sunning themselves on the deck. andrew got a little too close (i think he though maybe he might get to pet one), but soon learned that you don't mess with large sea mammals. nothing bad happened; they just let him know in no uncertain terms that he was overstepping his bounds with some very excited barks.
late that night we pulled into a campground on gold beach in the prairie creek redwoods state park in northern california & set up our tent. since we arrived too late to pay at the ranger station & purchase firewood, we had to illegally gather some on the beach. (in our defense, i don't think it's as bad to gather driftwood as fallen wood in the forest, right?) when we checked our bags at the austin airport, andrew had one of those large firelogs strapped to the outside - like a "duraflame," but the generic kind. after about 3 different employees had to come over & the summoning of a supervisor, they decided that it couldn't go on the plane. fortunately we were able to make up for that loss by buying another one in a rite aid in crescent city.
the duraflame came in handy because when andrew left to gather firewood in the dark, he returned with a 9 foot long, 2 foot thick LOG. if we didn't have the fake firewood to smear on that log, i don't think we would have ever gotten it burning. but big man made fire for woman. grunt! grunt! well, that and we found some smaller, drier wood that created enough fire to finally break through the bulk of the big log so we could break off the bottom third & burn that successfully.
Tuesday morning we woke up to find a large elk grazing right outside our tent. The elk didn't seem to care that we were there & even looked up long enough to pose for a picture. We broke camp long before the rangers came by (ok, i'm admitting it - we didn't pay for camping. Bad! Bad!) and hiked around in fern canyon all morning. That felt like we'd landed in a fairy tale. We were wandering through a deep canyon with large ferns cascading down the walls, diffused light shining through the tall trees and a creek trickling at our feet. I expected elves to come popping out of the big, moss-covered fallen trees that we encountered here and there. Later that morning we walked in awe through ancient growth redwood forests. We saw lots of big, old trees on this trip, including the "big tree," a 1500 year old redwood that's 21 feet in diameter.
after that we drove up to redwood creek park & strolled leisurely through the old growth forest at the ladybird johnson grove. andrew met a elderly man there who recommended a good restaurant nearby. then we drove up to the redwood creek overlook, where we witnessed what happens when the government commits to restoring the redwood forest after devastating clear-cut logging efforts. you could really see the difference between the 9000 acres of ancient growth forest and restored secondary growth forest, but it was still nothing compared to the depressingly, ugly, barren slopes we'd witnessed all along the highway in oregon & much improved from the "before" photos on the display at the overlook.
at that point, we were starved and headed in the direction of the suggested restaurant. we found ourselves in a charming little town called trinidad & ate in a great restaurant owned by the cher-ae indian community. we saw the retired couple we'd met at the ladybird grove & took their recommendation on the blackberry pie. yum!
the rest of the day was spent on scenic drives through the humboldt redwoods state park. i broke out in peals of excitement when i saw a sign for a "drive-thru" tree. i was disappointed at what i found - it was funny in a sad way to be driving through a large, dead, hollow tree that someone had cut an arch through & decided to exploit for $1.50 per passenger. then we drove onto "drive on log," which was just the trunk of a large tree that they'd laid on its side & then flattened the top & put 2x4's on to make a little ramp. woopee.
after the drive through tree adventure, we started to head south in earnest. andrew really wanted to drive down highway 1, but i wanted to get to san francisco sooner. i had protested the turnoff to the oregon coast, opting for the faster drive down i-5 & he had been right in turning off anyway (the scenery was awesome & it really didn't take too much longer). so, i gave in & make the turn off from hwy 101 to 1 right about sunset. this time we should have done what i wanted.
if you haven't driven this road, do yourself a favor & don't let your first encounter be in the dark! the best way i can describe it is to think of pee wee's big adventure, where he's on a road at night & he passes the first road sign with the arrow indicating "curves ahead," the road curves and all you see are the yellow lines down the middle and then more signs where the arrow gets curvier and curvier until the final sign in a knotted mess of loops and figure eights and pee wee eventually flies off a cliff. that was my hwy 1 experience, minus the cliff flying. i don't normally get carsick, but i was that night. and andrew stopped drinking after only one beer, feeling queasy himself.
instead of camping & getting even crustier, we shelled out the bucks for some seaside digs, took hot showers & watched a little tv. wed morning we were ready for the 200 mile drive down to san francisco!
five hours later, we finally found a way to get off hwy 1 and we were soon back in the city.
stay tuned for part 2 - the san fran leg of the trip. my hands are cramping & this entry is long enough anyway!
Sexta-feira, Outubro 24, 2003
here it is: the dentist story
thursday morning i dragged my exhausted, sleep-deprived ass out of bed at 6:30am, showered and began the morning commute at 7:15. i had an 8:15 appointment with a new dentist. despite my disappointment over not being able to see my usual dentist (damn the crappy insurance offered at nonprofits!), i was glad to be getting this taken care of and hopeful that the new dentist would be a good one. besides, i his name had a nice ring to it: dr. elizondo.
i arrived at the new office in northwest austin and was visually assaulted by the worst in tacky, overprized, psuedo-southwestern decor. i had hoped to snooze while waiting for my name to be called in the usual plush overstuffed loveseat, but instead i sat uncomfortably in one of the hardest chairs ever made. the chairs, tables and bookshelves were fashioned after authentic mexican iron-and-wood furniture, but were the cheap painted metal and pressed wood versions one might find at a discount furniture outlet or at sam's club.
when they called my name, the first thing they had me do was take one of those panoramic, around-the-head x-rays. the only other time i've had a dentist do this was at the castle dental place, that ghetto chain dentist office where they squeeze you for every dime possible. i think that the usual side & front x-rays, which they also took, are sufficient & more than enough radiation exposure for one person, but as i soon found out, at dr. elizondo's, i have zero say in my own medical care.
after the x-ray adventure, they had me wait in the dentist's chair for what seemed like forever. or maybe it seemed like forever because of the auditory assault known as lee greenwood's "god bless the usa" and james dobson's "focus on the family."
next to the chair was another one of those hideous bookcases, covered with pictures of the dentist's children (which i thought was kinda sweet) and "southwestern" decor such as painted ceramic flowerpots in the shape of a boot or armadillo that you can get at garden ridge pottery filled with fake cacti. next to a plastic cactus-filled boot was a metal sculpture welded into the shape of an armadillo.
but the most perplexing decoration of all was the metal watering can in the corner with the texas flag painted on it. it had a metal pipe attached to the side of it and an outdoor water spigot hung over the hole in the top of the pot. i wasn't sure what it was supposed to be, but i was pretty sure it was one of the ugliest things i'd ever seen!
finally the doctor came in & he seemed like a nice enough guy at first, soft-spoken and caring. the first thing he did was put a cup of water into the water can-spigot contraption, reach down & flip the switch on the electrical cord that had been hidden from view. water began rushing out of the spigot, much like it would if you just turned on your outside water hose & left it to pour into a metal bucket.
me: oh, it's a fountain. i was wondering out that.
dr. e: yes, isn't it neat? i got that at a sami show. have you ever been to one of those?
me: uh, no.
dr e: well you should go sometime. but they're dangerous! you can spend alot of money there.
me: oh, ok. thanks.
so, now i had the country music/religious conservative station blasting at me from behind and the running water coming from the corner. this was nothing compared to the annoyance i felt at the fact that dr. e kept calling me "sweetie," which he soon shortened to "sweet."
dr e, with hands in my mouth poking at teeth and gums: open wider, sweet. that's good, sweet. now close your mouth, sweet. that's good, sweet. open again, sweetie. ok, good, sweet.
and on and on he continued with the sweetie/sweet in between talking to his dental assistant in special dentist code, none of which was ever explained to me.
every dentist i've ever gone to has taken x-rays & picked around in my mouth. and afterwards, every dentist i've ever gone to has then explained the results of the x-rays and poking to me and either said, "you need to come in to have these cavities filled." or "everything looks great. keep up the good work." my childhood dentist, dr. heard, used to tell me to keep the sugar bugs away by brushing regularly - even when i went to see him as a college-age adult.
dr. elizondo did not go over my x-rays with me. he did give me some vague information about things they could do to lessen the annoying food that gets packed around my crown, which pretty much boiled down to: there's no way to tell if it'll work and even if it does, your teeth will probably move around & you'll have the same problem again anyway. i thought it was pretty cool that he wasn't trying to sell me on some ridiculous dental procedure, like the castle dentist who tried to tell me that the way to cure my tmj was to move some of my teeth to new positions & sand others down so they didn't sit on top of each other. yeah, whatever.
after the poking and the vague advice, the dental assistant said, "ok, you're done. so-and-so will check you out up front." i was still wondering about the x-rays, not to mention the cleaning that i'd called to make an appointment for (which i thought was coming after the poking, prodding & x-raying). usually dentists will do this all in one day so you're not coming back again and again for no reason. it's a customer-satisfaction thing.
so, go to check out and i see a post-it note on my file that says, "needs appointments for case discussion and cleaning." two more appointments? they couldn't discuss my mouth with me today? what the?? but i complacently get out my calendar as the receptionist clicks on her mouse.
then she says, "before you can get your teeth cleaned, you'll have to schedule an appointment for a [forgot the name of it], which means that the dental hygienist will measure your gums. your insurance doesn't cover it and it costs $40."
well, at least she warned me of that in advance. before i came in & suffered through it, then got a bill in the mail or a surprise when i checked out. here's the conversation that ensued:
me: i really just need a cleaning. i'd like to opt out of that, especially because my insurance doesn't cover it.
her, with an exasperated sigh: well, we've already discussed this with the dental hygienist regarding other patients and she has to do it.
me: i've been to lots of other dentists and i have never in my life even heard of this. it's not even covered by insurance, so is it really necessary?
in walks the 200lb, frumpy dental hygienist in her blue & pink scrubs.
dh: we have to measure your gums because even though they look healthy, you could have a secret abcess growing that could cause gum disease further down the line. this is how we can tell if that's going to happen.
i've never heard a bigger line of bs in my entire life.
me: well, i'll take that chance. i feel fairly confident that i'm not at risk for that. i take good care of my teeth and gums and i'm young and healthy. i'd rather not have this procedure, thank you.
the evil receptionist literally rolls her eyes, then grimaces and glares right to my face. i got up at 6am after only 5 hours of sleep for this. i'm not about to take this crap.
dh: well, we have to do this in order to establish you as a new patient. we're liable if something goes wrong with your gums.
yeah, like you can sue your dentist if you get a cavity or gum disease. in the state of texas. please.
me: well, thank you very much, but this is my health care and i don't want this procedure. if you're going to force an unnecessary and costly procedure on me against my will, i will just go somewhere where they won't try and scam me. thank you.
and i walked out of that creepy place, never to return!'
fuck. now i have to find another dentist that's covered under my insurance and get my teeth cleaned. there are so many quacks out there, including the guy that told my brother not to brush or floss, but to just use a little mouthwash and then gently press on his teeth with a brush. and i wish i could remember the name of this gum measurement thing so i can ask about it before i make the appointment. (if you know what it's called, please email me h_angele [at] yahoo [dot] com. thanks!)
thursday morning i dragged my exhausted, sleep-deprived ass out of bed at 6:30am, showered and began the morning commute at 7:15. i had an 8:15 appointment with a new dentist. despite my disappointment over not being able to see my usual dentist (damn the crappy insurance offered at nonprofits!), i was glad to be getting this taken care of and hopeful that the new dentist would be a good one. besides, i his name had a nice ring to it: dr. elizondo.
i arrived at the new office in northwest austin and was visually assaulted by the worst in tacky, overprized, psuedo-southwestern decor. i had hoped to snooze while waiting for my name to be called in the usual plush overstuffed loveseat, but instead i sat uncomfortably in one of the hardest chairs ever made. the chairs, tables and bookshelves were fashioned after authentic mexican iron-and-wood furniture, but were the cheap painted metal and pressed wood versions one might find at a discount furniture outlet or at sam's club.
when they called my name, the first thing they had me do was take one of those panoramic, around-the-head x-rays. the only other time i've had a dentist do this was at the castle dental place, that ghetto chain dentist office where they squeeze you for every dime possible. i think that the usual side & front x-rays, which they also took, are sufficient & more than enough radiation exposure for one person, but as i soon found out, at dr. elizondo's, i have zero say in my own medical care.
after the x-ray adventure, they had me wait in the dentist's chair for what seemed like forever. or maybe it seemed like forever because of the auditory assault known as lee greenwood's "god bless the usa" and james dobson's "focus on the family."
next to the chair was another one of those hideous bookcases, covered with pictures of the dentist's children (which i thought was kinda sweet) and "southwestern" decor such as painted ceramic flowerpots in the shape of a boot or armadillo that you can get at garden ridge pottery filled with fake cacti. next to a plastic cactus-filled boot was a metal sculpture welded into the shape of an armadillo.
but the most perplexing decoration of all was the metal watering can in the corner with the texas flag painted on it. it had a metal pipe attached to the side of it and an outdoor water spigot hung over the hole in the top of the pot. i wasn't sure what it was supposed to be, but i was pretty sure it was one of the ugliest things i'd ever seen!
finally the doctor came in & he seemed like a nice enough guy at first, soft-spoken and caring. the first thing he did was put a cup of water into the water can-spigot contraption, reach down & flip the switch on the electrical cord that had been hidden from view. water began rushing out of the spigot, much like it would if you just turned on your outside water hose & left it to pour into a metal bucket.
me: oh, it's a fountain. i was wondering out that.
dr. e: yes, isn't it neat? i got that at a sami show. have you ever been to one of those?
me: uh, no.
dr e: well you should go sometime. but they're dangerous! you can spend alot of money there.
me: oh, ok. thanks.
so, now i had the country music/religious conservative station blasting at me from behind and the running water coming from the corner. this was nothing compared to the annoyance i felt at the fact that dr. e kept calling me "sweetie," which he soon shortened to "sweet."
dr e, with hands in my mouth poking at teeth and gums: open wider, sweet. that's good, sweet. now close your mouth, sweet. that's good, sweet. open again, sweetie. ok, good, sweet.
and on and on he continued with the sweetie/sweet in between talking to his dental assistant in special dentist code, none of which was ever explained to me.
every dentist i've ever gone to has taken x-rays & picked around in my mouth. and afterwards, every dentist i've ever gone to has then explained the results of the x-rays and poking to me and either said, "you need to come in to have these cavities filled." or "everything looks great. keep up the good work." my childhood dentist, dr. heard, used to tell me to keep the sugar bugs away by brushing regularly - even when i went to see him as a college-age adult.
dr. elizondo did not go over my x-rays with me. he did give me some vague information about things they could do to lessen the annoying food that gets packed around my crown, which pretty much boiled down to: there's no way to tell if it'll work and even if it does, your teeth will probably move around & you'll have the same problem again anyway. i thought it was pretty cool that he wasn't trying to sell me on some ridiculous dental procedure, like the castle dentist who tried to tell me that the way to cure my tmj was to move some of my teeth to new positions & sand others down so they didn't sit on top of each other. yeah, whatever.
after the poking and the vague advice, the dental assistant said, "ok, you're done. so-and-so will check you out up front." i was still wondering about the x-rays, not to mention the cleaning that i'd called to make an appointment for (which i thought was coming after the poking, prodding & x-raying). usually dentists will do this all in one day so you're not coming back again and again for no reason. it's a customer-satisfaction thing.
so, go to check out and i see a post-it note on my file that says, "needs appointments for case discussion and cleaning." two more appointments? they couldn't discuss my mouth with me today? what the?? but i complacently get out my calendar as the receptionist clicks on her mouse.
then she says, "before you can get your teeth cleaned, you'll have to schedule an appointment for a [forgot the name of it], which means that the dental hygienist will measure your gums. your insurance doesn't cover it and it costs $40."
well, at least she warned me of that in advance. before i came in & suffered through it, then got a bill in the mail or a surprise when i checked out. here's the conversation that ensued:
me: i really just need a cleaning. i'd like to opt out of that, especially because my insurance doesn't cover it.
her, with an exasperated sigh: well, we've already discussed this with the dental hygienist regarding other patients and she has to do it.
me: i've been to lots of other dentists and i have never in my life even heard of this. it's not even covered by insurance, so is it really necessary?
in walks the 200lb, frumpy dental hygienist in her blue & pink scrubs.
dh: we have to measure your gums because even though they look healthy, you could have a secret abcess growing that could cause gum disease further down the line. this is how we can tell if that's going to happen.
i've never heard a bigger line of bs in my entire life.
me: well, i'll take that chance. i feel fairly confident that i'm not at risk for that. i take good care of my teeth and gums and i'm young and healthy. i'd rather not have this procedure, thank you.
the evil receptionist literally rolls her eyes, then grimaces and glares right to my face. i got up at 6am after only 5 hours of sleep for this. i'm not about to take this crap.
dh: well, we have to do this in order to establish you as a new patient. we're liable if something goes wrong with your gums.
yeah, like you can sue your dentist if you get a cavity or gum disease. in the state of texas. please.
me: well, thank you very much, but this is my health care and i don't want this procedure. if you're going to force an unnecessary and costly procedure on me against my will, i will just go somewhere where they won't try and scam me. thank you.
and i walked out of that creepy place, never to return!'
fuck. now i have to find another dentist that's covered under my insurance and get my teeth cleaned. there are so many quacks out there, including the guy that told my brother not to brush or floss, but to just use a little mouthwash and then gently press on his teeth with a brush. and i wish i could remember the name of this gum measurement thing so i can ask about it before i make the appointment. (if you know what it's called, please email me h_angele [at] yahoo [dot] com. thanks!)
on a lighter note
thirty minutes since my last post and now i'm surrounded by soft, black teddy bears with brown paws, feet and noses. my office mate ordered them to give to the kids in her groups, and my supervisor just walked in with two huge boxes full of bears. since the office mate isn't here, we decided to open the boxes & arrange the bears all over her desk, each performing a task. so we have bears on the computer, using the mouse, using the telephone, holding water bottles, reaching into a bag of snickers, resting in the "to-do" box & reading about the withdrawal method.
in case you're wondering, yes, i was tempted to bust out with the condoms & wooden penis model & have the bears work on that, but, well, i'm not sure if that's really what you want to see first thing on a monday morning!
thirty minutes since my last post and now i'm surrounded by soft, black teddy bears with brown paws, feet and noses. my office mate ordered them to give to the kids in her groups, and my supervisor just walked in with two huge boxes full of bears. since the office mate isn't here, we decided to open the boxes & arrange the bears all over her desk, each performing a task. so we have bears on the computer, using the mouse, using the telephone, holding water bottles, reaching into a bag of snickers, resting in the "to-do" box & reading about the withdrawal method.
in case you're wondering, yes, i was tempted to bust out with the condoms & wooden penis model & have the bears work on that, but, well, i'm not sure if that's really what you want to see first thing on a monday morning!
why bother?
i have so much to write about, i don't know where to begin. i've overwhelmed. i'd like to go on and on about my recent vacation and i feel a need to report about my creepy and frustrating dental appointment yesterday, but all that has to wait. i don't know if what i need to write about will be of much interest to anyone reading it. but it's my blog, so i'm going to write about it anyway.
since we got back tuesday night, i've been operating on auto-pilot/zombie mode. the time change, adjustment from vacation mode to hectic work mode, the shock of returning to daily life again and general sleep deprivation left me almost unable to function. by mid-afternoon yesterday i had forgotten what day it was & what i was supposed to be doing. thank god for my day planner! unfortunately, i had made the mistake of signing up to work at the convention center last night...til midnight. the late-night drive home was interesting to say the least. there were moments when i wasn't sure what road i was on or where i was going.
i got home & andrew was asleep, but soon woke up when i cried out upon finding the toilet stopped up with a massive stinking pile of shit (it wasn't his - the dogs had left us a gift on the kitchen floor & he'd cleaned it up, but didn't realize the toilet was clogged from the sheer volume of large dog feces). i felt that it was completely fair for him to get out of bed & take care of the situation, since he'd been home all day & i just had just been awake for 18.5 hours after only getting 5.5 hours of sleep the night before. he didn't voice any disagreement & immediately took care of the situation.
since he was awake, he turned on the tv & began to watch a program on the history channel about WWII and the japanese plans to use new biological weapons against the US. and then the topic naturally progressed to hiroshima and boy-didn't-we-kick-their-asses. i was only partially paying attention, but then something clicked in my head, or maybe it was more like my heart or my gut.
i suddenly became overwhelmed with the certainty of what's going to end up happening in the world, most likely in my lifetime. i suddenly was completely certain that things are going to end in nuclear war & i will be a casualty of this war. i began to struggle with thoughts of "why bother?" why bother having kids? why bother going to law school? why bother speaking out? why bother going on with life? the sudden certainty that in the end, it's all going to hell because the wrong people are in power & always have been sent me spiraling into despair. why bother trying when it's all going to get fucked up against my will anyway?
then i thought, "well, if we're all gonna die a hideous death in a thermonuclear blast or from some grotesque virus manufactured in some government lab & let loose in public, then there's nothing i can do about it, so why not make the best of it while i can?" followed by the thought, "i might be wrong about this anyway. so, if i don't make the most of it now & i'm wrong, then i'm really going to be screwed...by myself & my own fears." while this seems reassuring, my overactive, dramatic imagination had to jump to the next horrifying realization: "what if i were one of the few that survived a nuclear holocaust? wouldn't that suck worse than anything else?"
then i shut down. all of it was too much for me to deal with. maybe it was the exhaustion, maybe it was because andrew let the channel linger too long on alex jones's cable access show the night before & i'd been filled to the brim with government conspiracy that made all-too-much sense to my tired mind. but i broke down sobbing & begged him to turn the program off. after such a long day that began with a horrible dentist experience (yes, i'm building up curiosity for the soon-to-come dentist story), i didn't want to hear or think about war.
so, click on over to mtv where britney spears was sharing some of her vapid thoughts about making out with madonna or the rising cost of hair bleach. and finally, i was able to sleep.
this morning i slept til almost 10am, which was quite a welcome change. of course, it means i'll have to work later, but i'm so grateful to have a job where i can roll in at 12:15 without having to call or say anything to anyone & no one finds it unusual or even notices.
my officemate, who's canadian, and i began shooting the shit about various things & we ended up on the topic of current events, how much we want bush to go away, and the iraq war. i don't know if it's just me sheltering myself with like-minded people, but i have yet to have a conversation with someone who really thinks this war is a good idea & that bush is doing a great job domestically or internationally. or maybe i only bring up the subject when i know it's safe.
but the conversation this morning made me think about how i'm changing from someone who used to avidly read about current events, perusing numerous online news sources daily, skimming alternative periodicals & even reading non-fiction books to someone who barely skims the headlines at salon & usually prefers to read about fluffy celebrity gossip. what the hell? what happened to the young idealist who thought that attending rallies & marches was the thing to do, who wanted to get active to change the world? i can barely deal with the abortion issue anymore. the controversy about giving kids accurate condom/contraceptive information (and - gasp! - actual condoms!) is about all i can handle right now. this controversy isn't really even as upsetting to me as it is completely ludicrous. right now i want to spend my time working on children's charities, maybe even cute fluffy kitten charities or just do creative things like belly dancing classes and pottery. but isn't this selling out? isn't it hiding my head in the sand? or is it a coping mechanism, something to keep me from getting lost in depression?
maybe this is just a phase. maybe i'll circle back around and become an activist again. maybe some hope will return & i'll be able to deal with the world again.
i have so much to write about, i don't know where to begin. i've overwhelmed. i'd like to go on and on about my recent vacation and i feel a need to report about my creepy and frustrating dental appointment yesterday, but all that has to wait. i don't know if what i need to write about will be of much interest to anyone reading it. but it's my blog, so i'm going to write about it anyway.
since we got back tuesday night, i've been operating on auto-pilot/zombie mode. the time change, adjustment from vacation mode to hectic work mode, the shock of returning to daily life again and general sleep deprivation left me almost unable to function. by mid-afternoon yesterday i had forgotten what day it was & what i was supposed to be doing. thank god for my day planner! unfortunately, i had made the mistake of signing up to work at the convention center last night...til midnight. the late-night drive home was interesting to say the least. there were moments when i wasn't sure what road i was on or where i was going.
i got home & andrew was asleep, but soon woke up when i cried out upon finding the toilet stopped up with a massive stinking pile of shit (it wasn't his - the dogs had left us a gift on the kitchen floor & he'd cleaned it up, but didn't realize the toilet was clogged from the sheer volume of large dog feces). i felt that it was completely fair for him to get out of bed & take care of the situation, since he'd been home all day & i just had just been awake for 18.5 hours after only getting 5.5 hours of sleep the night before. he didn't voice any disagreement & immediately took care of the situation.
since he was awake, he turned on the tv & began to watch a program on the history channel about WWII and the japanese plans to use new biological weapons against the US. and then the topic naturally progressed to hiroshima and boy-didn't-we-kick-their-asses. i was only partially paying attention, but then something clicked in my head, or maybe it was more like my heart or my gut.
i suddenly became overwhelmed with the certainty of what's going to end up happening in the world, most likely in my lifetime. i suddenly was completely certain that things are going to end in nuclear war & i will be a casualty of this war. i began to struggle with thoughts of "why bother?" why bother having kids? why bother going to law school? why bother speaking out? why bother going on with life? the sudden certainty that in the end, it's all going to hell because the wrong people are in power & always have been sent me spiraling into despair. why bother trying when it's all going to get fucked up against my will anyway?
then i thought, "well, if we're all gonna die a hideous death in a thermonuclear blast or from some grotesque virus manufactured in some government lab & let loose in public, then there's nothing i can do about it, so why not make the best of it while i can?" followed by the thought, "i might be wrong about this anyway. so, if i don't make the most of it now & i'm wrong, then i'm really going to be screwed...by myself & my own fears." while this seems reassuring, my overactive, dramatic imagination had to jump to the next horrifying realization: "what if i were one of the few that survived a nuclear holocaust? wouldn't that suck worse than anything else?"
then i shut down. all of it was too much for me to deal with. maybe it was the exhaustion, maybe it was because andrew let the channel linger too long on alex jones's cable access show the night before & i'd been filled to the brim with government conspiracy that made all-too-much sense to my tired mind. but i broke down sobbing & begged him to turn the program off. after such a long day that began with a horrible dentist experience (yes, i'm building up curiosity for the soon-to-come dentist story), i didn't want to hear or think about war.
so, click on over to mtv where britney spears was sharing some of her vapid thoughts about making out with madonna or the rising cost of hair bleach. and finally, i was able to sleep.
this morning i slept til almost 10am, which was quite a welcome change. of course, it means i'll have to work later, but i'm so grateful to have a job where i can roll in at 12:15 without having to call or say anything to anyone & no one finds it unusual or even notices.
my officemate, who's canadian, and i began shooting the shit about various things & we ended up on the topic of current events, how much we want bush to go away, and the iraq war. i don't know if it's just me sheltering myself with like-minded people, but i have yet to have a conversation with someone who really thinks this war is a good idea & that bush is doing a great job domestically or internationally. or maybe i only bring up the subject when i know it's safe.
but the conversation this morning made me think about how i'm changing from someone who used to avidly read about current events, perusing numerous online news sources daily, skimming alternative periodicals & even reading non-fiction books to someone who barely skims the headlines at salon & usually prefers to read about fluffy celebrity gossip. what the hell? what happened to the young idealist who thought that attending rallies & marches was the thing to do, who wanted to get active to change the world? i can barely deal with the abortion issue anymore. the controversy about giving kids accurate condom/contraceptive information (and - gasp! - actual condoms!) is about all i can handle right now. this controversy isn't really even as upsetting to me as it is completely ludicrous. right now i want to spend my time working on children's charities, maybe even cute fluffy kitten charities or just do creative things like belly dancing classes and pottery. but isn't this selling out? isn't it hiding my head in the sand? or is it a coping mechanism, something to keep me from getting lost in depression?
maybe this is just a phase. maybe i'll circle back around and become an activist again. maybe some hope will return & i'll be able to deal with the world again.
Quarta-feira, Outubro 22, 2003
back to the grind
well, back from vacation. this sucks. i'm tired, i've got all kinds of work to do, i'm damn near broke (though thankfully not as broke as i expected to be since i can still afford groceries), and it's too freakin' hot here. andrew & i had mixed emotions coming home last night - happy to be in our own bed instead of an inflatable mattress, but not-so-thrilled to return to texas. i think i'm doing a splendid job of convincing him that texas is the armpit of the world (which it is. don't even argue with me.) and california is where we need to be. ok, so maybe san francisco proper won't house the two of us, our 3 dogs & all andrew's necessary man-things (tools, heavy machinery, big truck, trailers, kayaks, snowshoes, table saws, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum). but i'm willing to compromise with a nearby community, preferably something on the BART line.
we shall see. in the meantime, it's full steam ahead with the law school plan. gotta get outta here!!
i promise i'll post a synopsis/highlights/thoughts/funny moments from the trip, but today i'm brain dead. oh, and there's that work thing that i need to get back to.
coming soon: a real website with pictures! i swear - that's one of the things i want to accomplish while i'm on leave-of-absence from the lilith fund board.
well, back from vacation. this sucks. i'm tired, i've got all kinds of work to do, i'm damn near broke (though thankfully not as broke as i expected to be since i can still afford groceries), and it's too freakin' hot here. andrew & i had mixed emotions coming home last night - happy to be in our own bed instead of an inflatable mattress, but not-so-thrilled to return to texas. i think i'm doing a splendid job of convincing him that texas is the armpit of the world (which it is. don't even argue with me.) and california is where we need to be. ok, so maybe san francisco proper won't house the two of us, our 3 dogs & all andrew's necessary man-things (tools, heavy machinery, big truck, trailers, kayaks, snowshoes, table saws, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum). but i'm willing to compromise with a nearby community, preferably something on the BART line.
we shall see. in the meantime, it's full steam ahead with the law school plan. gotta get outta here!!
i promise i'll post a synopsis/highlights/thoughts/funny moments from the trip, but today i'm brain dead. oh, and there's that work thing that i need to get back to.
coming soon: a real website with pictures! i swear - that's one of the things i want to accomplish while i'm on leave-of-absence from the lilith fund board.
Quarta-feira, Outubro 08, 2003
i'm a bad social worker
this morning on the way to work, i saw a woman walking down the highway, looking at the ground with her dirty blonde hair covering her face, sticking out her thumb to try & catch a ride and not wearing any pants. seriously, just a long t-shirt. i don't know, maybe she had on some really short shorts, but i honestly belive she was sans pants.
as always happens when i see someone hitchhiking that i think might really deserve a ride (and won't be some kind of serial killer or rapist), i was in the far lane going about 70mph. so, by the time i realized that i should have stopped for no pants lady, i was about a mile away.
sure, if i were a good social worker, i would have turned around. obviously she needed some help beyond just the pants issue. so, did i really not stop because i didn't feel like dealing with her other problems, too? did i just not want to invite all that into my car at 8am on a wednesday morning, when i'm just hours away from vacation? am i finally learning to reject drama?
or am i just incredibly callous?
now i'm haunted with this woman. what if she had just fled a domestic violence situation & literally had to leave with only the shirt on her back? what if her abuser drives down highway 71 & picks her up, no pants & all, and she gets beaten to death?
why didn't i turn around?
i can envision the scenario now:
me: hi, um, do you need a ride?
her: yeah, where ya headed?
me: into town. where do you need to go?
me: and can i stop & help you find some pants? wait, uh, let me put this towel down on the seat. it's uh, dirty, and i wouldn't want you to, um, get dirt in your, um, well, uh, just a second.
but the fact is that i didn't stop. does that make me a bad person? i don't know. maybe a little selfish. maybe someone who consciously allowed herself to play into the dissonance & isolation that i feel is the cause of all that's wrong with our society.
which leads me to the other issue that was plaguing me on the way to work. last night the only california recall election coverage i watched was the daily show. i gathered from jon stewart that ahnald had won cali-for-ni-a, but i also allowed myself some sleep by thinking, "well, it is political satire. maybe it wasn't true." and i fell soundly asleep not caring what movie or porn star might be getting elected. i don't live there yet anyway.
but npr isn't political satire & yes, the (sexual) predator is now guv-a-na of cali-for-ni-a. barf. frankly, i'm getting sick of feeling utterly disappointed in election results. and it's not just because i'm never fond of the guy who wins the race, which should be enough. what gets to me is the ever-growing realization that the majority of the people, and unfortunately the majority of the voters, are complete fucking idiots. i mean, did they vote for schwartzenegger for his stand on the issues? if so, would they please enlighten to me to what those stands were? as far as i know, arnold wasn't even aware of what the issues were, but he did a damn good job of referencing lines from his movies & saying what his puppet masters wanted him to say. does that make someone a good leader? if so, then i'm back in high school where the big breasted blonde cheerleader with the IQ of a squirrel (and i mean no insult to squirrels) gets to be student body president & speak at graduation, taking precedence over the valedictorian.
my first instinct is to want to fight all that, to say, "this isn't right and it has to be changed." i want to scream everytime i hear some unqualified pundit say, "this is a sign that the people want change. they want a detour from politics as usual." that may be true, but can we actually elect someone who's qualified, please? and can we at least fucking acknowledge the fact that arnold won because he had enough money to buy lots of tv ads & the news media was his whore and for the past month the cable stations have been playing all-arnold-movies-all-the-time, which really doesn't distinguish him from "politics as usual"? once again, the people are manipulated into believing that the guy on tv is the best choice. no. brain. power. needed. must. vote. for. guy. on. tv.
so, when i begin to feel really frustrated, i start to think, "wouldn't it just be easier? wouldn't my life be much simpler, happier and stress free if i were to join the masses & stop caring, stop thinking, stop rationalizing?" yes, it would, but no i won't. i don't think i could anyway. i'll just remain frustrated & the zits'll keep popping out on my face and that'll just be the way it is. grrrrrrr.
ok, i could go on for at least another hour, but i'll spare everyone the rant this time. i'm going to focus my attention back on the fact that in 2 days i will be in cali-for-ni-a and get back to work so things aren't a total nightmare when i return.
ah'll be back. hasta la vi....oh, i can't do this!
this morning on the way to work, i saw a woman walking down the highway, looking at the ground with her dirty blonde hair covering her face, sticking out her thumb to try & catch a ride and not wearing any pants. seriously, just a long t-shirt. i don't know, maybe she had on some really short shorts, but i honestly belive she was sans pants.
as always happens when i see someone hitchhiking that i think might really deserve a ride (and won't be some kind of serial killer or rapist), i was in the far lane going about 70mph. so, by the time i realized that i should have stopped for no pants lady, i was about a mile away.
sure, if i were a good social worker, i would have turned around. obviously she needed some help beyond just the pants issue. so, did i really not stop because i didn't feel like dealing with her other problems, too? did i just not want to invite all that into my car at 8am on a wednesday morning, when i'm just hours away from vacation? am i finally learning to reject drama?
or am i just incredibly callous?
now i'm haunted with this woman. what if she had just fled a domestic violence situation & literally had to leave with only the shirt on her back? what if her abuser drives down highway 71 & picks her up, no pants & all, and she gets beaten to death?
why didn't i turn around?
i can envision the scenario now:
me: hi, um, do you need a ride?
her: yeah, where ya headed?
me: into town. where do you need to go?
me: and can i stop & help you find some pants? wait, uh, let me put this towel down on the seat. it's uh, dirty, and i wouldn't want you to, um, get dirt in your, um, well, uh, just a second.
but the fact is that i didn't stop. does that make me a bad person? i don't know. maybe a little selfish. maybe someone who consciously allowed herself to play into the dissonance & isolation that i feel is the cause of all that's wrong with our society.
which leads me to the other issue that was plaguing me on the way to work. last night the only california recall election coverage i watched was the daily show. i gathered from jon stewart that ahnald had won cali-for-ni-a, but i also allowed myself some sleep by thinking, "well, it is political satire. maybe it wasn't true." and i fell soundly asleep not caring what movie or porn star might be getting elected. i don't live there yet anyway.
but npr isn't political satire & yes, the (sexual) predator is now guv-a-na of cali-for-ni-a. barf. frankly, i'm getting sick of feeling utterly disappointed in election results. and it's not just because i'm never fond of the guy who wins the race, which should be enough. what gets to me is the ever-growing realization that the majority of the people, and unfortunately the majority of the voters, are complete fucking idiots. i mean, did they vote for schwartzenegger for his stand on the issues? if so, would they please enlighten to me to what those stands were? as far as i know, arnold wasn't even aware of what the issues were, but he did a damn good job of referencing lines from his movies & saying what his puppet masters wanted him to say. does that make someone a good leader? if so, then i'm back in high school where the big breasted blonde cheerleader with the IQ of a squirrel (and i mean no insult to squirrels) gets to be student body president & speak at graduation, taking precedence over the valedictorian.
my first instinct is to want to fight all that, to say, "this isn't right and it has to be changed." i want to scream everytime i hear some unqualified pundit say, "this is a sign that the people want change. they want a detour from politics as usual." that may be true, but can we actually elect someone who's qualified, please? and can we at least fucking acknowledge the fact that arnold won because he had enough money to buy lots of tv ads & the news media was his whore and for the past month the cable stations have been playing all-arnold-movies-all-the-time, which really doesn't distinguish him from "politics as usual"? once again, the people are manipulated into believing that the guy on tv is the best choice. no. brain. power. needed. must. vote. for. guy. on. tv.
so, when i begin to feel really frustrated, i start to think, "wouldn't it just be easier? wouldn't my life be much simpler, happier and stress free if i were to join the masses & stop caring, stop thinking, stop rationalizing?" yes, it would, but no i won't. i don't think i could anyway. i'll just remain frustrated & the zits'll keep popping out on my face and that'll just be the way it is. grrrrrrr.
ok, i could go on for at least another hour, but i'll spare everyone the rant this time. i'm going to focus my attention back on the fact that in 2 days i will be in cali-for-ni-a and get back to work so things aren't a total nightmare when i return.
ah'll be back. hasta la vi....oh, i can't do this!
Segunda-feira, Outubro 06, 2003
crawlin' back into my hole
as the time to get on the plane & head out west draws near, i'm sure i'll be randomly blogging just to pass any spare minute until then. today i'd like to share a little bit of my personal misery.
in the past few months, i feel like i've been bloating up like a beached whale. getting dressed in the morning is thoroughly depressing as my pants feel tighter and tighter. i know that spending close to 2 months recovering from serious neck/shoulder pain & the laziness that followed had much to do with it. but now i'm starting to realize that i really have to get serious about changing my diet, even if i do manage to get my exercise level up to where i'd like it to be (which is lots more than now!)
as if rapid weight gain wasn't demoralizing enough, i'm currently suffering from PMZ, pre-menstrual zittiness. i remember back in my teenage years when i'd lament my less-than-clear skin woes to my mother & she's tell me to hang in there, that when i got older, my complexion would improve and the torment of acne would be left behind me.
well, i'm still waiting for that to happen. i turn 30 in 64 days.
andrew has apparently given up on trying to give me the "right" answers to my questions intended to bait him into boosting my wounded ego. this isn't getting him any blow jobs, i'll tell ya that! when i said i was all zitty, his response was, "awww, you look youthful, like i'm robbing the cradle & dating a teenager." oh god! WROOOONG answer & he knew it. i think maybe he was trying to make me laugh?? ummm, not funny. not funny because it's TRUE!! i think sometimes people say i look young because they can't imagine a 30 year-old with a complexion like mine.
but a few zits here & there i can handle. i guess. what really gets to me is when i have the zits combined with blotchiness & redness & patches of dry skin mixed with patches of oily skin. i just feel downright disgusting.
part of that probably has to do with the fact that i didn't get adequate sleep last night. i really do need my beauty rest. so, i feel doubly greasy just from exhaustion (does exhaustion make anyone else feel greasy? why is this?) and my face has that tight, irritated feeling. my eyes kind of burn & my mind doesn't work like it should. i feel like i don't want to talk to anyone, like i need to hide. i almost imagine my blotchy, zitty red face as swollen & disgusting, like when i broke out in hives due to an extreme poison ivy reaction. i know i don't look like this, but it's just the feeling i get when i'm really tired & PMZ/PMS-ing.
then there's my scalp. i'm lazy. i only wash my hair once or twice a week, which means, uh, that things get a little, uh, flaky.
this is all sooooo NOT red hot mamma!!
but the non-hair washing has a great deal to do with not having a shower. i'm sick of arching my back & sticking my head under the faucet in the bathtub to wash my hair, then having to soak in murky shampoo water for my bath. it's a pain. sure, i get a little abdominal workout from leaning back (i do this intentionally, sometimes lifting my legs up slightly to give my abs a little extra work), but it's so much better to wash your hair in a shower. and then there's the problem of having thick hair that takes forever to air dry & almost as long to blow dry (my arms get too tired to finish every time). but mostly it's laziness. i don't wash my hair much more often when i have access to a shower.
so, that's my story today. i feel gross.
but now it's time for me to head out for my group. this means that i only have 2 more hours of work to go, followed by an hour or so of working on the lilith newsletter mailout & then home. ahhhhh!!!! shower, mud mask on the zits, at least 8 hours of sleep!
as the time to get on the plane & head out west draws near, i'm sure i'll be randomly blogging just to pass any spare minute until then. today i'd like to share a little bit of my personal misery.
in the past few months, i feel like i've been bloating up like a beached whale. getting dressed in the morning is thoroughly depressing as my pants feel tighter and tighter. i know that spending close to 2 months recovering from serious neck/shoulder pain & the laziness that followed had much to do with it. but now i'm starting to realize that i really have to get serious about changing my diet, even if i do manage to get my exercise level up to where i'd like it to be (which is lots more than now!)
as if rapid weight gain wasn't demoralizing enough, i'm currently suffering from PMZ, pre-menstrual zittiness. i remember back in my teenage years when i'd lament my less-than-clear skin woes to my mother & she's tell me to hang in there, that when i got older, my complexion would improve and the torment of acne would be left behind me.
well, i'm still waiting for that to happen. i turn 30 in 64 days.
andrew has apparently given up on trying to give me the "right" answers to my questions intended to bait him into boosting my wounded ego. this isn't getting him any blow jobs, i'll tell ya that! when i said i was all zitty, his response was, "awww, you look youthful, like i'm robbing the cradle & dating a teenager." oh god! WROOOONG answer & he knew it. i think maybe he was trying to make me laugh?? ummm, not funny. not funny because it's TRUE!! i think sometimes people say i look young because they can't imagine a 30 year-old with a complexion like mine.
but a few zits here & there i can handle. i guess. what really gets to me is when i have the zits combined with blotchiness & redness & patches of dry skin mixed with patches of oily skin. i just feel downright disgusting.
part of that probably has to do with the fact that i didn't get adequate sleep last night. i really do need my beauty rest. so, i feel doubly greasy just from exhaustion (does exhaustion make anyone else feel greasy? why is this?) and my face has that tight, irritated feeling. my eyes kind of burn & my mind doesn't work like it should. i feel like i don't want to talk to anyone, like i need to hide. i almost imagine my blotchy, zitty red face as swollen & disgusting, like when i broke out in hives due to an extreme poison ivy reaction. i know i don't look like this, but it's just the feeling i get when i'm really tired & PMZ/PMS-ing.
then there's my scalp. i'm lazy. i only wash my hair once or twice a week, which means, uh, that things get a little, uh, flaky.
this is all sooooo NOT red hot mamma!!
but the non-hair washing has a great deal to do with not having a shower. i'm sick of arching my back & sticking my head under the faucet in the bathtub to wash my hair, then having to soak in murky shampoo water for my bath. it's a pain. sure, i get a little abdominal workout from leaning back (i do this intentionally, sometimes lifting my legs up slightly to give my abs a little extra work), but it's so much better to wash your hair in a shower. and then there's the problem of having thick hair that takes forever to air dry & almost as long to blow dry (my arms get too tired to finish every time). but mostly it's laziness. i don't wash my hair much more often when i have access to a shower.
so, that's my story today. i feel gross.
but now it's time for me to head out for my group. this means that i only have 2 more hours of work to go, followed by an hour or so of working on the lilith newsletter mailout & then home. ahhhhh!!!! shower, mud mask on the zits, at least 8 hours of sleep!
Sexta-feira, Outubro 03, 2003
what the hell
i know this is a sorry excuse for a blog entry, but here's another friday five.
1. What vehicle do you drive? '99 Mazda Protege LX
2. How long have you had it? since August 1999, so that makes 4 years & one month.
3. What is the coolest feature on your vehicle? when I got it, I was glad it had a CD player. it's not exactly a cool feature, since it's your basic factory cd player that tends to be very sensitive & sometimes decides it doesn't deem my cds worth playing. so, i don't know, in comparison to my previous cars, i'd have to say maybe power windows. (how sad am i?)
4. What is the most annoying thing about your vehicle? the remote control thingy for the locks isn't working anymore, even though i got a new battery. the cd player that sometimes doesn't want to play. the crappy tires that wear down easily. the fact that i paid to have the fucker aligned & a week later it was pulling to the left again. the cheap-ass side mirrors break when barely touched & now they just flop around, completely worthless. the smell (though i guess that's my fault!)
5. If money were no object, what vehicle would you be driving right now? one of those new-fangled honda civic hybrids or a toyota prius. i want a hybrid. no jag or saab or mercedes for me (though i certainly wouldn't refuse one!) actually, on the way to work i was thinking about what car i'd get if i won a million dollars & i realized that it'd be a hybrid for sure.
ok, that's my excuse for a blog entry today. i actually have a more interesting entry based on my silent auction bidding at a fundraiser last night (ok, maybe not all that interesting), but now i have to go to a meeting, then i come back & have a telephone meeting, then a chair massage, and then i leave work to go to a lilith fund related meeting.
so, maybe next week.
btw - one week til vacation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i know this is a sorry excuse for a blog entry, but here's another friday five.
1. What vehicle do you drive? '99 Mazda Protege LX
2. How long have you had it? since August 1999, so that makes 4 years & one month.
3. What is the coolest feature on your vehicle? when I got it, I was glad it had a CD player. it's not exactly a cool feature, since it's your basic factory cd player that tends to be very sensitive & sometimes decides it doesn't deem my cds worth playing. so, i don't know, in comparison to my previous cars, i'd have to say maybe power windows. (how sad am i?)
4. What is the most annoying thing about your vehicle? the remote control thingy for the locks isn't working anymore, even though i got a new battery. the cd player that sometimes doesn't want to play. the crappy tires that wear down easily. the fact that i paid to have the fucker aligned & a week later it was pulling to the left again. the cheap-ass side mirrors break when barely touched & now they just flop around, completely worthless. the smell (though i guess that's my fault!)
5. If money were no object, what vehicle would you be driving right now? one of those new-fangled honda civic hybrids or a toyota prius. i want a hybrid. no jag or saab or mercedes for me (though i certainly wouldn't refuse one!) actually, on the way to work i was thinking about what car i'd get if i won a million dollars & i realized that it'd be a hybrid for sure.
ok, that's my excuse for a blog entry today. i actually have a more interesting entry based on my silent auction bidding at a fundraiser last night (ok, maybe not all that interesting), but now i have to go to a meeting, then i come back & have a telephone meeting, then a chair massage, and then i leave work to go to a lilith fund related meeting.
so, maybe next week.
btw - one week til vacation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Quarta-feira, Outubro 01, 2003
8 more days!!
ok, 8 days if today doesn't count, which in my book doesn't because it's already half over. so, i guess you could say it's technically 8.5 days until i leave for california!!!!
i didn't realize how badly i needed a nice, long vacation until just recently. i'm burnt out. i have a job that in theory, i love, yet i still find myself not wanting to go to work. in fact, i find myself not wanting to do anything. if i could spend all my time in bed, i would be happy. it gets harder & harder to get out of bed. though last friday i stayed home sick & stayed in bed all day & it really wasn't all that satisfying. i kept thinking of all the things i needed to do, like acquire food, yet i didn't have the energy to do a damn thing. and it's really not satisfying to watch crap on tv all day.
my hope is that this time away will refresh me & i'll be even more into my job & will start enjoying life again. i think that's my problem - life hasn't been very enjoyable.
ultimately, i think my real problem is that i don't want to be in texas right now. i've come to the conclusion that my delicate constitution is not well suited for this climate. i don't deal with heat very well & humidity zaps my energy and makes me feel like my head is full of lead. the allergies here are more than i can bear - i probably spend 75% of the year in misery.
but now there's more to it. my support system is fleeing the state and all pretty much in the same year. first amanda & chris abandoned me, moving to san francisco. now my brother is moving to cedar rapids, iowa in december and my sister is talking about going to grad school in portland, or. of course i still have some friends left in austin & some very good friends, too, but those 4 people - jed, shannon, amanda & chris - are the ones i feel closest to, the ones i would go to while nursing a broken heart or just to lie around and do nothing with, comforted just to be in their presence. they're the ones i'd go to first in a crisis or if i needed help with something. just the thought of the final half of my support system leaving the state rips me up inside. i'm bawling right now as i type, actually. yep, i'm here, at work, at my desk, crying. pathetic. i guess i don't handle change very well!
ok, i can't deal with that right now. back to the trip!!! i have no idea why i even bothered to come into the office today, except maybe to take advantage of the broadband and spend the day looking at vacation-related websites. i've already perused the entire redwoods state & national parks website & printed out everything of interest, including detailed maps. then i spent the next hour or so looking at cheesy bay-area tourist stuff (yes, i actually went to the website for the company that does the alcatraz tours).
i think i feel an enormous pressure to make this the best trip ever and to present california as the most wonderful place in the world. i feel an enormous pressure to sell andrew on the idea of moving out there so i don't have to face a difficult decision = leaving texas with him or without him. because there's no doubt that i'm going to get the fuck out of this horrible state at some point in my life, even if i - heaven forbid - end up moving back here. i need to at least get out for the duration of grad school if nothing else.
which brings us back to the house & the thousands of dollars worth of repair that must be done. but i'm setting limits on all this. my goal is to take the LSAT by fall 2004 and apply to attend law school in fall 2005. so, hopefully by the time i'm 35 i'll be done. geez. 35. where have the years gone? how is it that i'll just be starting an actual career at age 35? and what if i go to law school and then still don't start a real "career?" why do people do that anyway?
ok, i REALLY don't want to deal with that. it's back to web-surfing for me, at least until i decide i've been here long enough & take off to shop for supplies for my groups (with a little bit of personal trip-preparation shopping thrown in for good measure).
ok, 8 days if today doesn't count, which in my book doesn't because it's already half over. so, i guess you could say it's technically 8.5 days until i leave for california!!!!
i didn't realize how badly i needed a nice, long vacation until just recently. i'm burnt out. i have a job that in theory, i love, yet i still find myself not wanting to go to work. in fact, i find myself not wanting to do anything. if i could spend all my time in bed, i would be happy. it gets harder & harder to get out of bed. though last friday i stayed home sick & stayed in bed all day & it really wasn't all that satisfying. i kept thinking of all the things i needed to do, like acquire food, yet i didn't have the energy to do a damn thing. and it's really not satisfying to watch crap on tv all day.
my hope is that this time away will refresh me & i'll be even more into my job & will start enjoying life again. i think that's my problem - life hasn't been very enjoyable.
ultimately, i think my real problem is that i don't want to be in texas right now. i've come to the conclusion that my delicate constitution is not well suited for this climate. i don't deal with heat very well & humidity zaps my energy and makes me feel like my head is full of lead. the allergies here are more than i can bear - i probably spend 75% of the year in misery.
but now there's more to it. my support system is fleeing the state and all pretty much in the same year. first amanda & chris abandoned me, moving to san francisco. now my brother is moving to cedar rapids, iowa in december and my sister is talking about going to grad school in portland, or. of course i still have some friends left in austin & some very good friends, too, but those 4 people - jed, shannon, amanda & chris - are the ones i feel closest to, the ones i would go to while nursing a broken heart or just to lie around and do nothing with, comforted just to be in their presence. they're the ones i'd go to first in a crisis or if i needed help with something. just the thought of the final half of my support system leaving the state rips me up inside. i'm bawling right now as i type, actually. yep, i'm here, at work, at my desk, crying. pathetic. i guess i don't handle change very well!
ok, i can't deal with that right now. back to the trip!!! i have no idea why i even bothered to come into the office today, except maybe to take advantage of the broadband and spend the day looking at vacation-related websites. i've already perused the entire redwoods state & national parks website & printed out everything of interest, including detailed maps. then i spent the next hour or so looking at cheesy bay-area tourist stuff (yes, i actually went to the website for the company that does the alcatraz tours).
i think i feel an enormous pressure to make this the best trip ever and to present california as the most wonderful place in the world. i feel an enormous pressure to sell andrew on the idea of moving out there so i don't have to face a difficult decision = leaving texas with him or without him. because there's no doubt that i'm going to get the fuck out of this horrible state at some point in my life, even if i - heaven forbid - end up moving back here. i need to at least get out for the duration of grad school if nothing else.
which brings us back to the house & the thousands of dollars worth of repair that must be done. but i'm setting limits on all this. my goal is to take the LSAT by fall 2004 and apply to attend law school in fall 2005. so, hopefully by the time i'm 35 i'll be done. geez. 35. where have the years gone? how is it that i'll just be starting an actual career at age 35? and what if i go to law school and then still don't start a real "career?" why do people do that anyway?
ok, i REALLY don't want to deal with that. it's back to web-surfing for me, at least until i decide i've been here long enough & take off to shop for supplies for my groups (with a little bit of personal trip-preparation shopping thrown in for good measure).
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