More chat fun

K: I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....
Scared the shit out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading...

Sexually Liberated

K: So, I went to see my...personal doctor today. She asked me how many sexual partners I'd had, like over my lifetime.
H: I don't even think I could make that list anymore. I'm too old to remember drunken encounters from my 20's.

Hey, look! I'm updating this sad little blog!

Yeah, no excuses, folks. I know it's been awhile. Just not feeling it.

Not feeling like much lately. Last week I had these amazing bursts of creativity and energy and this week? Blah. Blerg. Blech. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's allergens in the air making me puffy and tired. But I'm having a hard time having much enthusiasm for anything this week.

But that doesn't mean good things aren't happening. I'm in a much better place with the workplace situation than I was a month or two ago. I'm no longer gripped by crippling anxiety that results in giant hives on the back of my neck and uncontrollable scalp itching. Daily life does not require Benadryl. I'm sleeping without the help of Ambien, believe it or not. I have a fabulous sex life with my amazing new boyfriend. I mean, what else could one want?

In an effort to shake myself out of this case of the blahs, I've taken inspiration from Mighty Girl and have decided to do a little work on a life list of my own. Okay, so I won't have a major corporation sponsoring my dreams, but I can still work on a few of my smaller goals right now. And I'm starting with the Danskin triathlon goal. Yeah, yeah, you've all heard this before. For the past two years, actually. But it's only October 1! I'm actually starting this goal more than 2 months out this time. I might actually stand a chance of doing it. And I have real support this time. I mentioned to my BF that I want to do it and his response was that we'd train together. He promised we'll go to the gym and on weekend bike rides and he'll cook me healthy food. (All in unison now: "Awwwww!") We've decided to hold off of starting it until we're both done with upcoming travel, so October 15 is now the start date for this training regimen. And in order to bore you all with my gross happiness and newfound desire for physical fitness, I'll also report on my progress here.

To both of the readers left checking this blog, do you have any life goals you're working toward right now? How do you stay motivated?

Okay, so here goes

I apologize to my last few lingering readers, those of you who visit this site from time to time, seeing the same post title up from the last time you were here, or perhaps feeling the deep void of your empty RSS feed. I appreciate your sticking with me. It really means the world.

So here's your reward, I'm acknowledging publicly, to the internets, that several months ago when I said I was contemplating a life of singledom and self-love, I was totally wrong. It happens. Eventually the satisfaction with being on my own turns to a painful horniness that eventually leads to a "well, I guess I could give men another chance" that morphs into "goddamn, I need to get out there." And in the course of all this, I made a mental list, contemplating all the qualities my past mates didn't have and what I'd like to see in someone new.

And then one day, completely unexpected and out of the blue, my roommate suggests she fix me up with a friend of hers. And think, "Well, why not?" Fast forward a month and despite my best intentions to stay single, despite all my reticence and trepidation, I find myself completely smitten. I put out my wishes into the universe and I got a response. It's a little eerie, to be honest.

Last week while I was visiting my sister in Portland and telling her about my new boyfriend, she said, "What's wrong with him? Because you don't date 'em unless there's something wrong with them." Is this really true? Yes, my past relationships have been hopelessly flawed. It's like I was living some self-fulfilling prophecy of only having doomed relationships. And I keep wondering if she's right. But so far, no red flags. And now that I've written that and am about to hit publish, I'm even more nervous than ever that something will pop up to scare me off.

Recently in an IM conversation with a friend, I was worrying over how wonderful it all seems now and how I'm such a relationship pessimist that I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. And he said, "Maybe that other shoe is you." Holy shit. He could very well be right. Maybe I'm the only one who's flawed here. What if all along it's just been me? I'm struggling to find my way toward actually having a healthy, sustainable relationship. Any advice you have to give in this arena will be greatly appreciated, as I am most certainly damaged.

But screw all that because right now, we're in Phase One, the lots-o-sex, no-fighting, super fluttery happy phase. And goddamn it, I deserve to enjoy that!

Much needed day of nothing

I'm in Portland right now visiting my sister in her amazing new house. While my sister had to go into work for a few hours, Demanda, the roommate and I spent the morning drinking beer in the hot tub out back, the hot tub that's situated amid a backyard full of beautiful plants. It's like a resort, but free. And yes, the weather is nice enough for me to sit in a tub of hot water for over an hour during daylight. Oh. Hell. Yes.

On the way to get Demanda from the airport this morning, Roommate was checking out her Twitter follows, turned to Sister and quoted the name of some website someone on her contacts list tweeted:

K: It's swollenvulva.blogpost.com
S: ...
K: Oh, I got that wrong. It's swollenuvula.blogspot.com. Very different part of the body.
S: Oh, I don't know. They both get dicks slapped up against them.

Yep, definitely my sister!

Hallmark of a Good Day

Me: Oh! I forgot I had this bacon in my purse! Score.
My Coworker E: What?!
Me: It's my leftover bacon from brunch. I put it in my purse to save for later.
E: I can honestly say I have never found bacon in my purse before.
Me: It's a beautiful thing.

This one's for you, C

It has come to my attention that I have not posted in awhile. I think 2 weeks was what I was told. And while there have been some new developments in my life, I'm not really feeling like a big share-in with the internet. I mean, I know I posted just last month about my out-of-control need to get some ass and without going into any details, let's just say the situation has been remedied. And quite well, I might add.

While we're on the topic of sex, here's one of my favorite Texts From Last Night:

(917): i'm seventeen days late, but at least now we can write a poem and put it on that i-hate-myself-for-having-an-abortion website
(917): i'm thinking a haiku.
We had shower sex
It was pretty good although
Baby had to go

Abortion haiku! What's not to love?

In other news, I've finally taken control of my eating habits. My sugar consumption is now down to almost zero, if you don't count the sugar and crap that gets snuck into everyday foods. I've been feeling really good about it and have been doing much better at not losing control or giving in to cravings. Until tonight. The roomie and I broke down and went to Plucker's, where we totally indulged in fried pickles, waffle fries and buffalo wings all dipped in ranch. And then K ordered dessert. Here's the conversation that followed:

Me: Oh god. I don't think I've eaten this much food all month.
K: So good though.
Me: Ohhhh, I think I ripped something. It huuuurts.
K: I know. Soooo fuuuuull.
Me: I'm pretty sure I just gained 10 pounds.
Although you better believe I'm going for it when that fried Twinkie arrives.

Monday, you can SUCK IT!

Today I set off my Huntsville business trip. I didn't want to deal with a rental car, mostly because my budget is super tight and I'd have to pay for it out of pocket and then get reimbursed and I didn't want to deal with the paperwork. I just figured it would be easier to take my own car for this quick trip and collect mileage.

I could not have been more wrong.

I was cruising along, a little over an hour outside Austin. I almost forgot about my two hours of conference calls and I was irked that I'd left my earpiece for the phone at the office. I was finished early with hour one of calls, so I stopped in Giddings, TX to use the restroom and get a soda. About 10 minutes later I glanced down and saw that my temperature was in the red and the battery light was on. I was passing through a tiny town, so I made a u-turn back to what looked like the only building with any cars in front of it, a little antiques shop. Steam started to come out of the hood just as I stopped. I looked under the hood and the lid on the coolant was open and there wasn't much liquid inside. Yikes.

The antiques shop was closed, but the owner was inside and waved me in. I asked where I could find a service station and she told me that it closed at noon. For real? Fortunately there was a convenience store about 1/4 mile down the road that she said would sell coolant. So, I set off walking.

A few minutes later, the antiques store owner pulled up beside me and gave me a ride the rest of the way. She waited for me while I went inside and called my mechanic for advice on what to buy. He told me just to get bottled water and in the process, another local decided he was going back with the antiques owner and I to try and help me out. Once back at the car, local guy discovered my busted engine drive belt. I knew I wasn't going anywhere.

Of course I'm the dick who doesn't have AAA, so I called the mechanic again for more advice. He gave me the number to a towing company that would come get the car, supposedly at a discount. I called the towing company and didn't even ask the price. They didn't require a credit card number up front or anything and they told me to just leave the key under the mat. So that bomb is still yet to drop.

I canceled my 4pm meeting in Huntsville, called the nearest rental car company (in Brenham, 20 miles away) and asked the antiques store owner if there was a taxi driver in town. No. Anyone I could pay to give me a ride to Brenham? No. Fortunately a hot, young man was in the shop installing a new A/C unit and he called a friend. (He was 18 - cougar claws ACTIVATE!) He told me that his friend was in La Grange and was driving through town on her way to Brenham in a couple of hours. He got my number and promised to call when his friend got to town. I then walked around the corner to a restaurant, ordered sweet tea and fried pickles, and settled in.

An hour or so later I got a call from the young man and he said his friend was on her way. She turned out to be a charming, friendly young lady, about to start her freshman year at Texas A&M. She refused my offer of money and took me straight to the rental company. The woman at Enterprise turned out to also be super sweet. She apologized for not being able to pick me up and told me that if I hadn't shown up, she planned to call me and come get me anyway. She even gave me a discount on the extra fee I have to pay for returning the car in a different city. And then I was on my way again.

Now I'm at the hotel and I'm so incredibly drained. I've been mentally juggling my expenses in my head to figure out how to pay for everything and it's making me sick to my stomach. I'm literally on the verge of tears right now. It's probably mostly exhaustion and the after effects of the super-adrenaline-problem-solver mode I've been in all afternoon.

It still sucks. Totally sucks my ass. But today could have turned out so much more awful than I did. I got a huge dose of hometown hospitality and I'm so grateful to everyone that showed me kindness today. If there's no major engine damage or other problems with my car, the repair will only be a few hundred with parts and labor. The towing? That's another story, but I'll deal with it. I just have to keep moving forward. Whaddayagunnado?

Scratch that one off the list

Yesterday K and I were discussing our issues with meeting men. I work in an office full of women and gay men and she works from home. Our current circle of friends is devoid of single, straight men and neither of us is particularly keen on hitting the bar scene to troll for cougar meat. So we started going through places where we might meet some eligible bachelors.

K: We should start going to yoga. I bet the guys there are HOT.
Me: No. Not so much. Too new agey.
K: Oh, like wearing a sarong to Barton Springs?
Me: Yeah, more sensitive guy who will make you a macrobiotic meal, less hard pounding sex.
K: Well, they might know tantric sex.
Me: Ugh. Who has time for that?

Hey, "birthers," get a fucking clue (and a copy of the Constitution)

Okay, I'm fucking sick of those goddamn sorry losers who don't understand basic constitutional law. Or English for that matter. Obama overwhelmingly won the election. No doubt about it. For the first time since 2000, we had a presidential election that was completely without dispute. The majority of the American public definitively spoke. I dealt with the Constitutional and electoral travesty that was Bush/Cheney for eight years. I felt I actually had more of a complaint about whether he was a legitimate president, but I still shut the fuck up about that and moved on to complaining about more substantive issues once the Supreme Court appointed him. But these "birther" idiots, the ones complaining that Obama isn't a natural born citizen and isn't the legitmate president, are just beyond my scope of understanding. Sure, there will always be the fringe conspiracy nutjobs out there, but the fact that the birthers are actually getting any press attention whatsoever is disconcerting to me. I mean, doesn't anyone fucking check snopes anymore?

My theory is that in truth, they're racist to their core. Obama has an African father and that's really what they have a problem with. But who cares? Because his white mother from Kansas was undeniably a citizen, so that makes him a natural born citizen. And there's also the fact that he was BORN IN A U.S. STATE. And that his fucking birth certificate is PUBLISHED FOR ALL TO SEE.

But for that sake of this insane argument, let's pretend that he wasn't born in Hawaii, or that Hawaii wasn't actually a state when he was born (both not true). Is he still a citizen? Yes.

First, the text of the Constitution:

No person except a natural born citizen, or a citizen of the United States, at the time of the adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the office of President; neither shall any person be eligible to that office who shall not have attained to the age of thirty five years, and been fourteen Years a resident within the United States.

What is a "natural born citizen"? The plain text doesn't say, "person born IN THE UNITED STATES." There might be some debate among the dogmatic plain texters, but no worries, U.S. law clears this up:

Title 8 of the U.S. Code fills in those gaps. Section 1401 defines the following as people who are "citizens of the United States at birth:"

• Anyone born inside the United States
  
• Any Indian or Eskimo born in the United States, provided being a citizen of the U.S. does not impair the person's status as a citizen of the tribe
• Any one born outside the United States, both of whose parents are citizens of the U.S., as long as one parent has lived in the U.S.
• Any one born outside the United States, if one parent is a citizen and lived in the U.S. for at least one year and the other parent is a U.S. national
• Any one born in a U.S. possession, if one parent is a citizen and lived in the U.S. for at least one year
• Any one found in the U.S. under the age of five, whose parentage cannot be determined, as long as proof of non-citizenship is not provided by age 21
• Any one born outside the United States, if one parent is an alien and as long as the other parent is a citizen of the U.S. who lived in the U.S. for at least five years (with military and diplomatic service included in this time)
• A final, historical condition: a person born before 5/24/1934 of an alien father and a U.S. citizen mother who has lived in the U.S.

(This nicely simplified list can be found here.)

So, even if we want to argue that Obama was born somewhere else, his mom was a citizen, SO HE'S A CITIZEN. Just what the fuck are we debating? Is this really happening? Did I really just see an blurb on CNN.com where the White House press secretary addressed this nonsense? MEDIA: STOP PAYING ATTENTION TO THESE FOOLS!!

I'm just so frustrated by this, mostly because some fools are actually spending money on things like billboards along I-35 in Texas on this bullshit. THERE ARE PEOPLE STARVING TO DEATH IN THIS WORLD. Can't you fucking loser asshole ingrates find a better way to spend your time?

Ok, FINE. I'll update.

It's been awhile. And yeah, the bloom is off the blogging rose. I'm signed up for an exciting writing workshop with Spike Gillespie in September, so I might see a resurgence in motivation. No promises.

I recently moved to a new place and I love it. The house is nice, the rent is cheap and I get to come home to a good friend everyday. While my partially-unpacked room doesn't reflect this, living with her is pushing me to be less of a lazy dirty slob. That's a good thing. And while my cat has seemed to handle the move in stride and has yet to pee on anything (cross your fingers this will continue), the dog has been acting up and she's peed on the carpet multiple times, despite being let out way more times per day than she's used to. My roommate works from home, so the dog gets plenty of attention. She is clearly upset about something and I'm about done with this little act. She's 8 years old. She knows better.

The new 'hood is in a totally different area of town and my street is in a quieter area, but it's still a pretty colorful area. And by that I mean the selection of energy drinks, sexual enhancement pills, MD 20/20 and Boone's Farm is quite stunning. So far my favorite is a drink called "Drank." It's an extreme relaxation beverage that promises to "slow your roll." Two out of two women in line at the convenience store say it's good. A friend bought one last night and I'm dying to hear how her Drank experience turned out. I, on the other hand, am reluctant to spend $2.50 on said beverage when I have red wine and Ambien at my disposal.

It's like a technicolor trip down high school drunken memory lane.

Biggest Energy Drink Collection EVER!

This week is going to be another hectic one with my brother's wedding coming up. Relatives will soon be descending upon Austin and the fun will begin. And I use the term "fun" loosely in this context. It's still a stressful weekend with family, but the booze will help. Or maybe I'll just slow my roll with some Drank.

And who knows? Maybe after all this, I'll be inspired to write another blog post. Until then, I have to get some shut eye.

Only current & former law students will appreciate this

I just reviewed a family violence arrest where a 75 year-old man assaulted his 80 year-old wife. In our database, I have to check off whether the victim was pregnant: yes, no or n/a. At first I checked n/a, but then paused and thought, "But wait, shouldn't that really be "no?" I mean, what about the fertile octogenarian? Can't rule it out!

I'm warped for life.

Summer Doldrums Commence in 3, 2, 1...

Oh, blogosphere, how I have neglected you. Unfortunately I don't forsee that improving much anytime soon. For one, I am really no longer inspired by this blog. I've never done much with it, besides regularly bitch about stuff. And now I don't even update regularly.

I really thought things might ease up, but the past couple of months have been just as hellish. I still haven't gotten back on my exercise routine and my eating habits are still awful. I was smoking and drinking more than I wanted to be, but after I started to feel myself getting sick, I put a stop to that and I feel much better for it. I don't have much time for enjoyable things, which is wearing me down.

I'm exhausted. Since January, I've been President of the Lilith Fund again. And since January, I've had an ongoing conflict with a board member who acts as if they should be the organization's director. I feel like I'm constantly being scrutinized and undermined. I feel like I'm not listened to, not respected. I expend so much energy responding to this person and putting out the fires they start that I feel like I can never get to the point of moving the organization forward. Much sleep has been lost, many cigarettes smoked as a way to decompress (I know, that's no excuse). I've almost walked away from the organization so many times, but I can't.

Lilith is not just an organization I believe in and a cause about which I am passionate. I co-founded Lilith with my best friends. When I look back to those days, it's not just a time when we all took on a big undertaking with no experience and no idea what we were doing and we succeeded, but we had fun working together. We all busted our asses and built something great. And we did it together. It wasn't me, it wasn't any other individual. It was truly a collaborative effort. Then I come back to the leadership of the organization years later to discover that power and responsibility have been largely centralized, while other members flounder and eventually leave, never feeling like they've found their place and never having a sense of ownership in the organization. And often they are critisized for this, when a large part of it isn't their fault when they weren't allowed the freedom to contribute, to do the work, and when they did the work, they were nitpicked to death. I can't just walk away from it now. As much as it's driving me to drink, I have to be strong and endure this difficulty, so that we can move back to a happier place with the organization.

Fortunately, this is somewhat balanced by my involvement with the National Network of Abortion Funds. They just elected me Vice President of the board, which was an unexpected honor. I'm constantly inspired by the women on the board and staff, as well as all the amazing people I've met from funds around the country and in Mexico, Canada, London & the virtual world. I feel really blessed to get to spend several days three times per year with these women, to learn from them and get to know them. They keep me grounded and focused on my work with Lilith, no matter how painful it can be.

So that's what's going on with me (unpaid) professionally. The jobbie job is about the same. I love my co-workers and I believe in the work, but there are days when I'm SO OVER divorcing people, SO OVER the shitty things people do to each other, SO OVER men who beat up/stalk/threaten/torture/harass their wives. But I keep plugging along. I'm glad to be gainfully employed with benefits right now because I know that out there, it's pretty damn bleak. I'm counting my blessings.

In other news, I'm moving this weekend. A good friend bought a house and asked me to move in. I will soon be living in a bedroom with closets and not a glorified laundry room. I'll have central A/C! Cable! A garage! Fenced yard! Mostly I'm excited to be living with one of my best friends. My roommates are great and I have no complaints after two years, but there's something different, better about living with a friend (assuming that your lifestyles don't conflict to the point where you end up not being friends because you drove each other crazy). Fortunately, K and I have similar OCD tendencies. And we both want to eat healthy and exercise more. I just quit my gym so I can join hers next month (it's not as nice, but it's waaaay cheaper and closer to the house). I've invested in a Wii Fit (well, invested in the Wii, my granny gave me her Fit because she didn't like that it insulted her and she fell off of it once and is now scared of it). So, fun times ahead.

But this week the heat is dragging me down. It's not even July and it's been 100 degree day after 100 degree day. It's predicted to be 103 on the day I move most of my crap, the forecaster cheerfully referring to it as "abundant sunshine." It's not sunshine, asshole, it's an oven. Set to broil. It's getting to me. I don't know why I'm still living here. Seriously, as I move in with a friend - a place I'm excited about - I think about why I still haven't escaped Austin. And it gets me down. Why can't I be happy here? Because my heart is somewhere else, some undetermined location. Or maybe it's nowhere. Maybe I'm always going to want to be somewhere else, looking for a new adventure.

But regardless, the choices I've made have me stuck here temporarily. I just need to focus on what I really want out of life and make the sacrifices to make it happen (which means going without and not travelling for awhile so I can pay down debt). It will happen. In the meantime, I will keep plugging along, wiping away the underboob sweat, and seeking refuge in Barton Springs from time to time.

One of those weeks where Life has punched me out and I just want to scream

This past weekend was my future sister-in-law's bachelorette debauchery in San Antonio. So Sunday I was spent. Brain cells = at best numbed, at worst far fewer. I had two greasy Mexican food brunches at Mi Tierra, first with Steve, Kirsten and kids and Aaron & Kelly and then again with the bachelorette contingent several hours later. I was all about getting in my car, driving home and crashing. I'd left my phone in the car and when I got it, I saw I had a voicemail from someone who normally wouldn't be calling me that early on a Sunday. I listened and with the first tremor of her voice, I knew it was bad.

"Heather, I don't know if you heard the news but Dr. Tiller was shot and killed in his church this morning..."

It didn't sink it. It's a sad statement on how little esteem I hold the so-called "pro-life" movement that I wasn't exactly shocked, but the news wasn't registering.

I turned to Kelley, "Oh my god, Dr. Tiller was killed." I then told her who he was and I just started gushing out his life story, how he came to do abortions and his philosophy. And suddenly there I was, driving down I-35, choking back tears.

I got home and in my hangover haze, I tried to process it. I got on the blogs and the rest of the day was a roller coaster of anger and weeping. I sent out some emails, "What is going to be our response? Let's get a vigil together." I was up late, despite my extreme exhaustion.

Monday I felt like I was beating my head against a wall. I saw the notices for vigils in Boston, DC, Portland and other cities. No one had really responded to me. I began to get despondent. A friend of mine who is interning at my organization and I sat down and brainstormed. I put in more phone calls. Finally, in the late afternoon, I heard back from a local abortion provider and one of her staff. We were all on the same page and planned a conference call for the next day. More emails went out and on Tuesday, in a conference call lasting less than a 1/2 hour, all the work was delegated and someone from every major group and clinic in town was on board. I was completely blown away by my sisters and how we were able to get it together. No one was stressed. No one bore a heavier burden than the rest. No one tried to take over the show. We came together in a way that normally would have made me singing to the heavens, if it weren't for one of the saddest occasions I could imagine.

All week I've been thinking of Dr. Tiller. As I read the articles, the stories about him, the words from women he's helped throughout the years, I tear up over and over again. I barely knew him. I heard him speak once. I went to conferences with some of his staff, talked to them on the phone. But he and the amazing women who worked for him were those type of people who stick out in your mind as exceptional. Exceptionally kind, exceptionally compassionate, exceptionally courageous. They understood that abortion is but a small part of life, a necessary medical procedure for many. Abortion has been around since the dawn of time, since women first learned what herbs to ingest so that they could keep their offspring to a manageable, survivable level for them, so that we could evolve to be something more than rabbits, stuck popping out young at every opportunity without the ability to do more with our lives. Our bodies abort naturally all the time. But it's part of women's reproduction, someone many men have always and will probably always be threatened by, so whenever any amount of autonomy and power tends to sway in a woman's favor, they strike back with fear and vengeance.

But I want to get to the point before this becomes absurdly long. There is so much to say here and I've had some wine and it's late and I'm emotional. I'll probably want to edit this entry in a major way tomorrow, having committed the Big Blogging Sin of writing while Under the Influence. I'm still reeling from the beautiful candlelight vigil this evening, blissfully free from disrespectful protesters so blinded by ignorant rhetoric they don't know when to just step back and let someone grieve. To their credit, they stayed away and chose to be visible elsewhere today. And trust me, this week, even that little credit comes so begrudgingly I'm literally holding back bile.

Rather than ramble on, I'm going to transcribe my remarks from this evening. Because much time went into what I said and I spent most of the day reading over it and crying alone at my desk. Right now, I don't trust myself to say it any better than I did earlier. Here goes:

I prepared remarks today and then late in the afternoon I found this story from a woman who went to Dr. Tiller. I wanted to share it because it's not a side of Dr. Tiller that will be portrayed in the media. I think it perfectly illustrates that he listened to women and he profoundly understood and trusted in women to make the right decisions for themselves.

In 2002 I found out I was carrying triplets. My husband did not want me to have them. The day of my appointment I was scared and not sure this was the right decision. They took me back and did an ultrasound. I asked if they all had heartbeats and the nurse said yes. I asked if I would have the chance to talk to the doctor and right away she went and got Dr Tiller. He came in and looked at my babies on the screen. Then he looked at me and said “God gave you these babies, it’s not my job to take them away.” He asked if I agreed and I immediately said yes. He told the nurse to take me to the counter and have them give me my money. You know that day was a turning point for me. I ended up having a great pregnancy and three healthy baby girls. I can never thank Dr. Tiller enough for sending me away that day.

I first heard Dr. Tiller speak at a National Network of Abortion Funds conference in 1999. His words from that speech have stayed with me over the years. He said, "It's criminal to give a woman the technology to find out about the problems in her pregnancy and then not allow her to do anything about it." This was after he'd shown us a slide show of shocking fetal abnormalities and told us about the heart wrenching decisions the couples had come to in deciding to terminate the pregnancies.

I knew of Dr. Tiller through my work with abortion funding and I'd had many interactions with his kind and amazing staff. But when I heard Dr. Tiller speak that night, I gained a deeper understanding about abortion. And I was in absolute awe of him.

We have lost so much more than an abortion provider, so much more than a person. We have lost a true champion of human rights, someone who understood the complexity of this issue and showed an amazing dedication to women's reproductive autonomy.

Dr. Tiller once said "This battle is about self-determination by women of the direction and course of their lives. Abortion is about women's hopes and dreams. Abortion is a matter of survival for women."

Through the years, he saved many women's lives and did so with unmatched compassion. He has a vision for a better world. In his own words, "We need a new paradigm that consists of kindness, courtesy, justice, love and respect in all our relationships." Dr. Tiller put these principles into practice everyday.

Dr. Tiller understood how detrimental financial barriers to abortion are to women and that without financial assistance, abortion is an "unfulfilled promise." He personally worked to break down these financial barriers, both in his own clinic and through his support for the National Network of Abortion Funds, which received a check from him the day after he died.

Dr. Tiller was dedicated to the women he served. When asked why he showed up to work the morning after being shot in both arms, he said, "I'm a health care provider. We had patients to take care of." When his clinic was bombed in 1986, he hung out a sign that read, "Hell, no. We won't go."

So as we struggle to make some sense out of this horrible tragedy, this profound loss, the best way we can honor Dr. Tiller is not to give up and to make our presence known. Keep speaking out, both for yourselves and for the women who can't or won't. Hell, no. We won't go.

And here I am, raw, angry, sad, yet inspired. I know so very deep down in the core of my being that I am in the right. No one can ever convince me otherwise. I have experienced abortion personally. I understand what it's like based on my own experience and through a decade of talking to women about their own unwanted pregnancies. I base this not on rhetoric, but on reality. No one has told me what to think or feel. I have not been fed a line of thinking. Women have abortions. Women need abortions. And just like the wolf mother will eat her young when it is the right thing for the survival of the species, women will always have and need abortions, legal or not. And we need to trust her to know when this is right or this is wrong. For only then can we move toward a just and equal society.

People, fair warning that I will immediately delete any disrespectful comments, and I am the only judge of what is and isn't disrespectful. This blog is not a free speech zone except for me. Sorry and I know that's pretty hypocritical coming from a civil libertarian. But I don't care. I am too raw from this shit to even listen to your fucking crap. Your side comes from a place of ultimate disrespect for women and violence and I won't allow it here. Not now. If you want to be respectful or have questions, I'll have a civil discourse from you, but if you FUCKING DARE to call me or Dr. Tiller a "baby killer," your shit will be deleted tout suite. And that is NOT up for debate. Suck it.

Oh, shut up

"If girls realized the consequences of having sex, nobody would be having sex."

Just shut the fuck up, Bristol Palin. There is so much wrong with this statement. First, it should be "unprotected sex" because that's what she had and that's why she got pregnant. Lots of teenagers have sex without any consequences because their parents aren't ignorant dumbasses who think preaching abstinence to horny teens will actually work. Or because those teens, despite government and parental stupidity in not providing comprehensive sex ed, figured it out on their own. Second, why just "girls," Bristol? It still takes two to make a baby. Sure, it's usually the female who ends up with the shit end of the stick when there's an unintended pregnancy that doesn't result in the couple actually staying together. And in my opinion, the statement that "nobody would be having sex" just adds to the impression that women can't be sex-positive and that sex is inherently bad. Shame! Shame!

Compare that to Monday night's Colbert Report with Megan McCain as guest. Sure, she may be one of those Republicans who need to go ahead and admit that they're really not already, but I liked quite a bit of what she had to say. She's pro gay marriage and she describes herself as sex positive. And she's ballsy in a good way. She talked about wanting to speak out about being sex positive after seeing Bristol Palin on her stupid "abstinence tour."

Ugh. Flaunting your baby as the bad consequences of getting laid is the most evil thing anyone could ever do. Not only is it unfair to the kid - who didn't ask for your dumb ass to have him - but also? Babies should not be a punishment. And the real message is "learn about how to PREVENT pregnancy, whether you're going to be knockin' da boots or not." Besides, is it some shocking revelation that when you have unprotected sex, you might end up making a baby? Are you really that daft that you don't know that's where babies come from? On some level, Bristol and Whathisface knew what they were doing. They were stupid teens in love, who thought they were going to get married and have a baby and be together forever. So, just shut it, Bristol. No one cares.